TMNT (2014) Movie Review

© Paramount Pictures / Nickelodeon Movies

This movie was not as bad as I anticipated. Then again, I expected the worst.

Back in September 2014 I sat down in a eerily quiet theater to watch a film I wasn't really looking that forward to seeing, but I sort of had to, because that's just the kind of sad creature I am. The following day I wrote about 90% of a review, only for it to gather dust until now. For some reason. Today I've blown off the dust and finished the review (hold your roaring applauses).
The review is categorized into 'The Good', 'The Bad' and 'The Ugly'. Not because the film has anything to do with Clint Eastwood at all, but because I am just that cheesy and I'm thinking about using that format more often. Now, on with the review!

The Good.

William Fichtner isn't Shredder!
Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against William Fichtner. However, when it seemed he was going to play Shredder it really didn't resonate well with me for the sole reason of Shredder being Asian whereas Fichtner is white. Well, that and the idea of Shredder being a businessman. Yuck. Instead, Tohoru Masamune is now playing Shredder and the dude is downright awesome, albeit scarcely used.

Will Arnett as Vernon Fenwick.
Even though this interpretation of the character is a far cry from his animated counterpart, I was entirely on board with it. Which is probably a testament to Arnett's talents. His interpretation of Vernon might not be the pinnacle of Arnett's work, but it is enjoyable none the less.

The soundtrack (meaning pop songs used in the film, not the actual score).
The uses for Hollaback Girl and Careless Whisper are actually reasonably funny and work well in my opinion. And the scene where Michelangelo sings Happy Together to April is excused too, even though I don't like the Michelangelo-likes-April-a-bit-too-much thing at all. Why? Two reasons: 1) The band originally preforming the song is called The Turtles, so that's kind of clever. 2) Who can stay mad when one of the happiest songs ever conceived is being sung by a giant anthropomorphic turtle? No one, that's who.

The Turtles are done right.
They have the right personalities and in-group relations. Too bad they had as little screen time as they did (too bad they look like shit too, more on that later). When we did see them interact with each other, it was clear that at least someone did their homework during the production of this film. All their characteristics match the turtles you know and love.

Michelangelo is genuinely funny.
When he isn't riding his horny ass up against April, that is.

Raphael has a genuinely capturing character arc. He even has a touching moment in the third act.

The elevator scene.
People on the internet seem to be going crazy over the elevator scene. Personally, I thought it was kind of funny but I wasn't ecstatic about it. Yet, I completely understand the reaction. It's because it's one of the very few moments where we see the Turtles interacting with each other like they would on their down time, which is where the Turtles really shine. More of this, please.

Sliding down the snowy cliff.
Well shot, creative, captivating action. Will Arnett is hilarious. Awesome sequence.

References.
There are dark obscure corners of the internet where the TMNT hip-hop christmas album is not only a thing, it's actually infamous. I know, for I reside there often. These kind of things don't often seep into the real world though. So imagine my surprise when the thing was actually referenced. And this was not a one time thing. There is a conversation between Vernon and April for example where at some point the dialogue goes something like this:

Vernon:
"So, they're aliens?"
April:
"No, that would be stupid. They're mutants."

This references the fact that the Turtles where originally not going to be mutants in this movie, but aliens (the then-title being just 'Ninja Turtles', without the 'Teenage Mutant'). This was changed after fan backlash.
There are also references to the iconic theme song of the original animated series, like the claxon of the Turtles's car, the sounds of Megan Fox's computer being hacked (playing an instrumental version of the song) and Vernon calling the protagonists "heroes in a half shell".

The Bad.

The score and sound-design.
Although not 'bad' per sé, the score was hopelessly mediocre. When composer Brian Tyler wasn't repeating himself, he was being the millionth Hans Zimmer imitator, making the whole thing a bit generic and unremarkable. The sound design generally isn't any better, making lazy use of the 'Inception-bwam' you've been hearing in practically all trailers in the last four years. The sound design does have a bright point though: the use of cameo sounds. For example, the Turtle's car horn plays the melody of the familiar theme song of the original animated series.

The soundtrack (meaning pop songs used in the film, not the actual score).
The song that plays during the credits is one of the crucial elements that determine what feeling you're leaving the cinema with. Sadly, that song is one called Shell Shocked, made by some gentlemen called Juicy J, Moxie, Ty Dolla$ign, and Wiz Khalifa. Even Vanilla Ice's Ninja Rap would have been a much better choice, since at least it has a clear intention tone wise (up-beat, feel-good), whereas Shell Shocked just seems like generic, empty 'gansta' rap. But hey, maybe I shouldn't be that opinionated about the song, seeing as how the genre is something I know next to nothing about. If it was up to me I'd probably go with something like this, so make of that what you will.

April O'Neil is thick as a brick.
Any reporter should know that if you are going to claim that there are giant martial arts practicing anthropomorphic turtles running around, you're going to have to wave some pretty significant evidence around before anyone takes you even remotely seriously. Just assuming people will take your word for it though? You'd almost have to be certifiably insane for that kind of reasoning.

The Foot Clan.
The Foot Clan is basically changed from a group of ninjas to a SWAT team. Which is, just so weird you guys. Lay down the guns and pick up a katana dude.

Shredder's costume.
Or as I like to call it: Edward Swordhands. It's the kind of mindless clutter you've come to expect from Bay productions. It still looks enough like Shredder for people to make that comparison had he not been in a TMNT film, but now that he is supposed to be Shredder, I would have liked to see more focus and less random shit Bay thinks looks cool. Remember how the Transformers are a big mash of CGI clutter? It's that same shit all over again. Seriously, the guy is literally a metal samurai. You'd have to try to fuck that up.

Splinter.
I think the character should have been a bit more reserved, he's just a bit over the top now. One of the most over the top things about this Splinter is probably how he uses his tail. It's similar to how Doc Ock uses his tentacles. But the worst part about Splinter is how...

Hamatu Yoshi is replaced by a thrown away how-to book.
Which is fucking ridiculous. In previous incarnations Hamatu Yoshi was either the owner of the rat that became Splinter, or even become Splinter himself. Yoshi's history with Shredder is what's sets up the rivalry between Splinter and Shredder. In the new film, the rivalry seems to still exist, but it comes out of nowhere. The stupidest aspect about Hamatu Yoshi's absence however is how Splinter now gained his Martial Art skills. It used to be that Yoshi was a martial artist, but now splinter learned it all from a how-to book he found in a sewer. Meaning that all the Japanese aspect of the Turtles come from Splinter stumbling on a book by accident, that's it. That does not make any sense at all. So please Bay & co., in the inevitable sequel, retcon the shit out of this.

WAY to little Turtles.
We see very little of the Turtles just being themselves. Instead, we see them almost exclusively in fight scenes. Maybe it's because of the long build up wasting screen time. There is no need for that, just show us the Turtles, goddammit. It's what we all come to see.

Eric Sacks is useless (and incredibly generic).
It is painfully obvious that the role of Shredder was changed quite a bit into production, leaving a lot of loose ends. The film really suffers for it. Sacks was originally supposed to be Shredder, but this was changed after fan backlash (and rightly so). The downside of this is that now you have a character that takes up the screen time of a main character, while really not being that important.

Karai is useless.
I like that they got her look right. Sadly however, she doesn't actually affect the plot. She doesn't seem to have any purpose beyond being a wink tot the audience that's already familiar to the TMNT lore, which is the cheapest kind of fan service there is. In most cases, it's better to leave out a character completely than to do a disservice to the character (for the most extreme example of this, see Bane in Batman and Robin. Karai's case isn't quite that bad, the disservice to her character lies in her small involvement in the plot, not necessarily a bad character portrail).

The setting.
There is something about the filth ridden pre-Guliani New York of the original movies that really went well with the Turtles. I'm not sure why, but this is the kind of environment they seem to blend in the best. The new movie however, is set in bright and shiny modern day New York. Understandable, but a major disadvantage in my opinion.

So many plot holes.
Oh no, Raphael is seriously, possibly fatally injured! No wait, he's fine.
Eric Sacks just discovered the Turtles? Better put them in these handy Turtle sized pods.
Oh no, Shredder is off to New York, somebody stop him! No wait, he's already there.

The Ugly.

I've already touched upon the abomination that are the noses on the Turtles in the trailer review. You might think that it's hammering on a hugely trivial part of the film but in actuality, it makes a tremendous difference.
I've found a Photoshopped picture online that wonderfully illustrates why so much hinges on those noses. If the Turtles would have had their original noses (and slightly wider heads), they would look a lot more like themselves.

© Paramount Pictures / Nickelodeon Movies / Platinum Dunes / Whoever made this manip

(Important side note: If anyone knows who made this, please leave a comment below so I can properly credit this person. Sites that I've found that display this image refer to a Reddit post that just says 'Someone took it upon themselves to improve the new TMNT designs'.)

As you can see, the altered picture (numbered '1', for some reason) shows a more familiar and, more importantly, more accessible face. There is a certain openness and friendliness there. The original, on the other hand, mainly comes across as creepy. Even though Michelangelo is giving a reassuring face (or at least he's trying to), a certain uncomfortability remains. Obviously, this poses problems when trying to connect with audiences. 

By the way, when Google-ing for something like the above image, I accidentally stumbled upon greatness. Do yourself a favor and check out the TeenageMutantNinjaNoses Tumblr.

In conclusion, some afterthoughts:

-The degree in which you already have a connection with the franchise will be a determing factor in how much you like this movie. If you're the type of fan who needs to see everything remotely related to the Turtles, I obviously don't even need to tell you to go see this movie.
If you're the type of fan that has only seen the original cartoon, don't expect much of a nostalgia trip. Although your previous knowledge of the characters might prove useful.
If you have no connection with the Franchise at all, you're in for a excruciatingly mediocre film at best. Watch Guardians of the Galaxy instead.

-The inevitable sequel will most likely be better. I say that because the Turtles will probably have more screen time with the lack of build-up to them. Also, seeing as how Eric Sacks is almost certainly a leftover from an earlier cut, there probably won't be a character as bland as that in the sequel. Which in turn leaves room for characters like Krang and Bebop & Rocksteady.

That's about it. If anyone needs me, I'll be over here watching the 1990 movie.

TMNT Trailer Review

So yeah, this was originally made a few weeks after the release of the first trailer for the new TMNT film. A review of the actual movie is yet to come, if I gather up the courage to actually go see it. So keep in mind if you've already seen the film: I know significantly less about it than you do right now. There are two parts of this review. The first part is me talking about the concept without having seen the trailer. It's mostly why I think it's important at all. The second part is me commenting on the trailer right after having seen it for the first time.

Part one.
Pre- viewing.

At no stage of the production of the film have I been particularly excited about it. Mainly because of Michael Bay's involvement. Having him at the helm of something like this AND having him cast Megan Fox as April O'Neil seems more like something out of a Collegehumor video than real life to me. But real life it is. If Bay reworks this franchise in the same manner he did Transformers, than that means that not only will he change things up in a very shallow way, he will also market it to a more adult audience, which would be a big mistake, in my opinion. I think a franchise like TMNT strives best with the focus on a less mature audience. A lot of people roughly my age remember how excited we got about the Turtles when we were kids and that's something I think the newest generation deserves to experience as well. TMNT is one of those things that have practically become sacred through nostalgia. If you come from a certain generation you will probably, like me, remember watching the show and shitting yourself in excitement over the live action films (not literally, I generally don't remember that far back). It's one of the first things I remember being a fan of (I had the toys too. And some videotapes. And a NES video game). I remember watching the movies and even though I knew logically that I was watching men in suits, I still had the feeling I was watching the actual, real, no bullshit, Ninja Turtles. It was pretty goddamn magical. That's the kind of suspension of disbelief that is quite hard, if not impossible, to achieve as an adult. It just kind of dies out when you grow up. As a result, remembering that now lost feeling becomes one of those bright points in our childhoods. That's a big part of what makes nostalgia so powerful. It's also why I feel so strongly about the children of today getting the change to have that same experience before they grow up and it's too late. That why us fans can get so fervent about preserving the legacy of a franchise like this. When a child sees the same movies as we did, we know the feelings that are paired with that action. We can be fairly sure that child will love it as we did. Maybe not exactly, but certainly approximately. When that same child watches a Michael Bay produced film on the TMNT however, that certainty is gone. We simply don't know what modern day Hollywood will crap out, but the fear is that it's something that will not rival our childhood favourites, thereby quite possibly robbing kids of the fun we had watching TMNT. Now, I'm not going to pretend as if that touches on our own childhoods by proxy in any way, but it would definitely leave a stain on the franchise. Of course, the film might actually turn out great and all worries turn out to be for nothing. 'Might'. That's the scary part. And it's not as if I'm incredibly hopeful. When this movie went into production, Michael Bay didn't exactly try not to be a huge parody of himself (the guy seems to be spiralling out of control further with every movie he directs/produces). Remember when you first heard the Turtles were supposed to be aliens now? I think that's scrapped now, but whoa boy, talk about a bad start. I hope Ooze will still be in the origin story. If it's not, it's kind of like making a Batman adaptation and then changing the fact that his parents got shot. It would be nothing short of sacrilege. There are certain things you just don't do. And then there's the casting of Megan Fox as April O'Neil. What a joke. In fact, when I first read it, I assumed to be reading an article on some equivalent to the Onion. But nope, this exists now. Not anything against her personally, I would certainly take the job if I were her, but you can see how she's probably not going to rock as April O'Neil, right? I mean, if she will, I will definitely take my words back but somehow I can't help thinking the casting director was paying more attention to her famous name than her actual acting skills. It's not hard to make a list of people better suited to play April O'Neil than Fox (future blog post?), which is troubling.
When the trailer came out a few weeks ago I did something that's very unlike me: I didn't watch it. I had seen some behind the scenes photographs and they did not get me excited in the least bit. Now I will see the trailer and give my opinion of it, so hold on to your butts.

[watches trailer]

Part two.
Post- viewing

Well, fuck.
You know the CG destruction fetish dominating Hollywood right now? That's what the trailer opens with. There is this fucking building right at the beginning just collapsing and shit. And, you know, I've excused Man of Steel for this in the past, but does every single movie have to have that disaster porn now? Does everything have to have exploding buildings? CGI buildings, to add insult to injury? This shit looks exactly like Transformers. And I know Michael Bay technically isn't the director, but I didn't see the director's name in the trailer, I did see Michael Bay's name. I also saw his unmistakable style. So fuck it, this is Michael Bay's TMNT. Okay? Okay. So then we see the fucking Foot Clan. Well, I guess it's them, because the content of the trailer seems to suggest as much. The Foot Clan is supposed to be composed of ninjas. That's one of the constants of the show: ninjas. Ninjas are cool. Everybody knows ninjas are cool, no need to change that shit. Right? Wrong, apparently. Now they look more like some kind of SWAT team with the only 'Asian' thing about them being that they wear masks that oddly resemble the masks of the Immortals from 300. And then there is Shredder. Dear mother of fuck. You know the banker that shoots at the Joker in the opening of The Dark Knight? Well, that guy is Shredder now. "But Crayon...", I can hear you ask, "...isn't that guy white?". Why yes, you observant reader, you, yes he is. "But... but isn't Shredder an obviously Japanese guy named Oroku Saki? He's a samurai, aren't all samurai Japanese?" Right you are, big guy. I guess someone at Paramount figured William Fichtner would be better at playing an Asian dude than Jet Li, Ken Watanabe, Jason Scott Lee, Chin Han, Daniel Dae Kim, James Kyson Lee, Rain, John Cho, Daniel Dae Kim, Min-sik Choi, Takeshi Kaneshiro, Hiroyuki Sanada, Takeshi Kaneshiro, Tsuyoshi Ihara, Brian Tee, Lee Byung-hun, Rick Yune, David Lee McInnis, Stephen Rahman-Hughes, Godfrey Gao, Bin Won, Leonardo Nam, Ye Liu...
I just... I can't even...
Moving on. What do you mean, 'no'? There's more Shredder stuff to shred? For the love of... Okay, so the costume, as far as we can see here, is pretty badass, but we don't see him in it. We do, however, see him in a business suit. Because Shredder seems to be reduced to the kind of bad guy that pops up in a lot of Roland Emmerich movies. Normally that type of bad guy is either a businessman or a scientist. Shredder seems to be both. Since all trailers open with narration from the villain now, we get Shredder narrating the opening to this trailer. This is where we find out that the Joker shot Batman's parents! Whoops, that come out wrong. What I was trying to say is: fucking Shredder created the Turtles! Wait, that sounds way worse. The fuck is this? In the original there is a chemical spill ("Ooze"), which seeps into the sewer, reaching some turtles, which then mutate into teenage ninjas. In this version, however, they seem to be made in a lab or some shit. But it gets worse people. Not only where the Turtles made in a lab, but they were made by Shredder, and April O'Neil's dad (I thought the Oxford comma might be justified here, I wouldn't want you the think Shredder and April have the same dad. This shit is bad enough as it is). Yes, you read that right. Can't make this stuff up folks. This brings us to April O'Neil. Or let's skip the pretence and just say 'Megan Fox'. She doesn't say a word throughout the trailer. Unless you count single vowels, because she does scream a couple of times. Of course, that's not all she does. She also falls over and faints. Real promising for a reporter. Now, to be fair, we also see her filming. Too bad she films like a complete idiot. She is capturing an important moment while shaking her phone (yes, she's filming with her phone). At least she isn't filming vertically, so points for that I guess. On the other hand, like I said, she's supposed to be a reporter. So no points, really. Now, like I said before, I'm not going to fault her for being cast. If I were to act and I would be offered such a role, I would take it too. That doesn't make it right that there is no effort made by anyone to make her look anything like April O'Neil (yes, she wears yellow. Whoop-dee-doo). She looks exactly like she does in all her other movies. If you want to break the mould of "Oh, there's Megan Fucking Fox again" You really should make an effort to at least look different. To look like April O'Neil. In my mind April looks a bit like Molly Ringwald in the Breakfast Club. You know, short red hair, not long strait hazel, like Fox. In short, I'm really confused as to why nobody pushed for that look, as she now just looks like Megan Fox in a yellow jacket. Then there are the Turtles themselves. They don't look like vomit, but I'm not entirely happy with the design either. Those fucking noses, what is up with that? In every other incarnation their noses are the biggest thing on their faces. Yet, in this version, their noses look oddly human. That's the one thing that makes their faces look really weird, in my opinion. Granted, I'm already kind of weirded out by the overly realistic eyes and lips and stuff, but the noses are what really wrecks it. First we see Leonardo and he's actually kind of badass, which is definitely a good thing. And then we see Donatello and Raphael sliding down snow on what looks like a mountain and Raphael uses Donatello's stick to propel himself forward, only to slam into a truck (or Jeep or whatever). And this vehicle gets utterly destroyed while Raphael just kind of seems to shrug it off like it's some minor inconvenience. Which makes me wonder just how powerful the Turtles are in this incarnation. It makes me suspect overkill awaits us. I'm talking people actually using machine guns against the Turtles, shit like that. I mean, hell, they'd have to, wouldn't they? At least the action seems to be better visible than in the Transformers movies. Not that that's such a giant feat, but it's something. Then we get to the rooftop scene. It opens with Leonardo standing there being a badass. Fair enough. And then, at almost the end of the trailer, there is hope. Michelangelo delivers the last line, which is genuinely funny. Shocking, I know. There is, however, one down point to this scene: Megan Fox faints. I really hope that's not going to be a running gag. Remember: reporter. I really hope that all the shots we see of her in the trailer come from early in the film, so that she actually develops into something better.

My major concern about this movie is the following: who the hell is it for? If it's for my generation in order to pander to nostalgia, why the changes? Sure, I will see it in the cinema, but I probably won't like it. If it's for children, than what the hell are they thinking? It doesn't look like a children's movie. I mean, they wouldn't have made Shredder a business man if it was supposed to be for kids, right? Maybe it's for an in between group. Late teens that want a more adult film and haven't seen the cartoon while growing up. Or maybe they're just assuming TMNT will make money regardless of what they're crapping out (they're right, I just said I will see it).

Turtle Power,
-The Human Crayon.